Finding My Way
I’ve always liked the song Finding My Way from Rush’s first album. It may not have won much critical acclaim but I like the song and the title seems to fit my life quite well at the moment.
You may recall from a previous post that my wife has filed for divorce. The decree nisi was issued some months ago and as of 3 weeks ago, my wife can apply to have that enacted and the decree absolute issued. She may have already done so, I don’t know. All I know is that I will come home from work one day to find a letter telling me that I am no longer legally married and that will be a very sad day. I never wanted to be divorced, that was never in my life plan, and I certainly never wanted to be separated from my son. I miss my family and there is not a day that goes by when I don’t think about my wife and son. They occupy a significant portion of my thoughts.
So why the divorce? Couldn’t it all have been resolved? Perhaps, but our problem is an almost total breakdown of communication which has come about through the best (but misguided) intentions of our families and the wishes of my wife. Had communication been preserved then with goodwill on both sides, a lot of talking and the help and support of families, friends and professionals it could perhaps have all been sorted out. You also both need to be prepared to admit some responsibility for the situation you are in, it is never entirely one person’s fault. A wise counsellor who has been offering me professional counselling noted that in any conflict situation between two people, each of you is only responsible for about 30% of the ‘blame’; the remaining 40% of the issue is caused by circumstances (life happens!) and that is certainly the case here. Things have happened, assumptions been made and misconstrued on both sides and this has all affected the way we have both reacted and contributed to that 40%. I guess I’m just reiterating the point from my previous post – you need to keep talking to one another; rational adults behaving reasonably can sort most things out through talking and negotiation.
In the last year I discovered and read a very good book on marital reconciliation called Hope For The Separated. It is an excellent book and I would heartily recommend it to any couple with a troubled relationship. Although written by a Christian marriage guidance counsellor, it is just packed full of common sense which is relevant to anyone, whatever their religious beliefs. One piece of advice it offered that really struck a chord with me is that you should view separation not as a disaster but as a fantastic opportunity for personal reflection and growth. That is something I have done a lot of in the last 18 months. I think a lot of our problems were caused by my (mis)understanding of myself, those around me, particularly my wife, and my place in the world. I have learnt so much about myself and other people since I have been separated and I perceive life and people differently than I did before, in a much more positive way. I understand myself much better, understand my relationships with my family better and, in some ways I understand my wife more and have a clearer idea what the driving forces in her life are. I have improved my relationships with my parents, my sister and with my son, and all these relationships are better than they have ever been. I have renewed old friendships and made some fantastic new ones. Separation has given me a wonderful opportunity. I have learnt so much about life, experienced so much good in the world and I am a much, much better person for it. It is just a terrible shame that I will never get to share all that with my wife, that she won’t get to experience the changes it has brought in me and that fills me with a very great sadness, a sadness of opportunities lost and potentials unfulfilled. The ending of our marriage leaves a huge hurt inside me and I’m sure it will remain there for the rest of my days.
In the final analysis I guess life give each of us a (different) set of circumstances to deal. We all have our problems to face. All you can do is to make the best out of what life throws at you and try to find the positives in every situation. And I guess that’s where I am now – Finding My Way. The last stanza of Coleridge’s The Rime of the Ancient Mariner describes the wedding guest as ‘A sadder and a wiser man’. That is me too; definitely sadder, definitely wiser. It is just a terrible shame that it has cost so much to acquire that wisdom.
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